C'est la vie.

This is just one of those days when I'm all numb, when I just automatically do things and when I need twice the normal time to get those things done. And today is the day I passed my faculty entrance exam. I should really be happy about it. But I'm not. It's a nice feeling when you work hard and study and it pays of. However, it really sucks when the thing you've been working for isn't what you want, and even worse when it's getting you a bit further from your dream.

My dream is to go across the globe to a far away country on a different continent and to study, work and live there. I had everything planned. I got my whole family to support me on this, even though they weren't happy about it. I did everything I was supposed to do, I did even more than that, and all in just a half a year. That was the year when all my peers started colleges or found jobs. I, on the other hand, began waiting for things I can't control, that were necessary for my dream to come true, and things I thought were a sure thing.

Then something unexpected happened and I was forced to wait some more. At first I was told I would wait for two, or three months tops. Then those months passed. Then since there was no way of knowing how long it will take to sort things out, I had a little help from my family to solve part of the problem. I had to wait some more but then finally I got a green light and applied for a visa. A month later a got their response and it was bad news. I was heartbroken. I knew what was the issue and I knew it can be resolved and that I was gonna apply again, but my whole world broke apart. I wanted to scream, I wanted to curl up and cry, I just wanted to be alone. But I couldn't. I was in a bus full of people, not heading home, with my grandma, her eyes filling up with tears. I was consoling her. I had to put on a straight face, a poker face and so I did. I never actually had a chance to just be alone and have a moment or two to grieve and cry and gather strength to face what's coming.

After that shock, I found out that I have to wait some more in order to change things so that I would definitely get the visa next time I apply. For how long, I don't know. It's been almost two and a half years since it all started and now I'm a freshman that's waiting for her dream to come true. I know that getting into college was the smartest thing I could have done, given the circumstances, but it means to me and my family and friends that   all my struggles in the past couple of years were for nothing. I could have easily been doing all my preparations and gone to college at the same time, if I knew how long I would have to wait. There would be no judging, no fights with my parents, no everyday struggle to prove that that's the best thing for me, no explaining things everybody you meet or see after a while. And no questions I couldn't actually answer like "What's going on with your trip? When are you leaving?" I had some rough times because of all that, and I'm not giving up now. I'm just tired of waiting and things  going the wrong way.

I must admit though, that me staying wasn't all that bad. I had my first job and a second one, I worked with kids, I volunteered, I finished photography, journalism and web-design courses, I met so many interesting and crazy people, I started dancing again, I danced in a music video, I was a model (something I always thought I wasn't made for and would never ever actually do), I even tried slacklining. I had an amazing time and I'm really happy and lucky to have had an opportunity to do all that. I know I have grown as a person throughout this time and I must admit I smile a lot more than I used to.

The most important reason that I'm glad that I waited for so long is that I was there for my sister during the most horrible and terrifying time of our lives. That was the time I desperately wanted to go away anywhere in the world and forget what was happening. I never felt so afraid and alone in my life. My sister had me, her best friend and her boyfriend by her side. And I had nobody. I couldn't talk to anybody. I knew much more about everything that was going on and I just couldn't tell her. I wish I never knew all that. And now I realize I need to write a new post about everything that has happened.

Anyways, there's a saying here which goes something like "Who knows why that is good." And I like to think that. Everything happens for a reason. And times get though and I learn, grow and deal with it the best I can. And then I pretend that everything is fine and that everything is under control and going exactly as I want it to go. The only thing I know for sure is that I WILL eventually move away to that far away country of mine and I WILL live my dream!