My new blog that is a lot different from this one, and which is gonna be updated more regularly.  http://traveldancelive.blogspot.com/

C'est la vie.

This is just one of those days when I'm all numb, when I just automatically do things and when I need twice the normal time to get those things done. And today is the day I passed my faculty entrance exam. I should really be happy about it. But I'm not. It's a nice feeling when you work hard and study and it pays of. However, it really sucks when the thing you've been working for isn't what you want, and even worse when it's getting you a bit further from your dream.

My dream is to go across the globe to a far away country on a different continent and to study, work and live there. I had everything planned. I got my whole family to support me on this, even though they weren't happy about it. I did everything I was supposed to do, I did even more than that, and all in just a half a year. That was the year when all my peers started colleges or found jobs. I, on the other hand, began waiting for things I can't control, that were necessary for my dream to come true, and things I thought were a sure thing.

Then something unexpected happened and I was forced to wait some more. At first I was told I would wait for two, or three months tops. Then those months passed. Then since there was no way of knowing how long it will take to sort things out, I had a little help from my family to solve part of the problem. I had to wait some more but then finally I got a green light and applied for a visa. A month later a got their response and it was bad news. I was heartbroken. I knew what was the issue and I knew it can be resolved and that I was gonna apply again, but my whole world broke apart. I wanted to scream, I wanted to curl up and cry, I just wanted to be alone. But I couldn't. I was in a bus full of people, not heading home, with my grandma, her eyes filling up with tears. I was consoling her. I had to put on a straight face, a poker face and so I did. I never actually had a chance to just be alone and have a moment or two to grieve and cry and gather strength to face what's coming.

After that shock, I found out that I have to wait some more in order to change things so that I would definitely get the visa next time I apply. For how long, I don't know. It's been almost two and a half years since it all started and now I'm a freshman that's waiting for her dream to come true. I know that getting into college was the smartest thing I could have done, given the circumstances, but it means to me and my family and friends that   all my struggles in the past couple of years were for nothing. I could have easily been doing all my preparations and gone to college at the same time, if I knew how long I would have to wait. There would be no judging, no fights with my parents, no everyday struggle to prove that that's the best thing for me, no explaining things everybody you meet or see after a while. And no questions I couldn't actually answer like "What's going on with your trip? When are you leaving?" I had some rough times because of all that, and I'm not giving up now. I'm just tired of waiting and things  going the wrong way.

I must admit though, that me staying wasn't all that bad. I had my first job and a second one, I worked with kids, I volunteered, I finished photography, journalism and web-design courses, I met so many interesting and crazy people, I started dancing again, I danced in a music video, I was a model (something I always thought I wasn't made for and would never ever actually do), I even tried slacklining. I had an amazing time and I'm really happy and lucky to have had an opportunity to do all that. I know I have grown as a person throughout this time and I must admit I smile a lot more than I used to.

The most important reason that I'm glad that I waited for so long is that I was there for my sister during the most horrible and terrifying time of our lives. That was the time I desperately wanted to go away anywhere in the world and forget what was happening. I never felt so afraid and alone in my life. My sister had me, her best friend and her boyfriend by her side. And I had nobody. I couldn't talk to anybody. I knew much more about everything that was going on and I just couldn't tell her. I wish I never knew all that. And now I realize I need to write a new post about everything that has happened.

Anyways, there's a saying here which goes something like "Who knows why that is good." And I like to think that. Everything happens for a reason. And times get though and I learn, grow and deal with it the best I can. And then I pretend that everything is fine and that everything is under control and going exactly as I want it to go. The only thing I know for sure is that I WILL eventually move away to that far away country of mine and I WILL live my dream!

A week ago I had a very interesting day. Firstly, I got to hang out with my boyfriend after a week of not seeing each other. Since it was raining all day, I went to his place and we had so much fun (if you know what I mean ;)). Anyways, he was just bursting of joy all day long saying that he's the best agent there is, that he's gonna marry me and that he's the happiest man in the world! And then, out of the blue, he started sharing things with me, the good and bad things nobody knows, his thoughts and feelings. We've been together for just month now and he was already confiding in me. I felt like it was a big deal, but maybe it's just because I don't open up so easily.

Afterwards I went out with two girls from my dance group to a popular club. As soon as we got in, some guys approached us, and they were Americans. Everywhere I go I keep meeting foreigners. And it's always a bad timing (they're leaving tomorrow, I have a boyfriend or something like that) or they're ugly and/or boring. We got rid of them by climbing in front of the DJ and dancing like professionals we are. It was like a performance except nobody was paying us for it and we were doing freestyle. The whole club was watching, including a famous rapper, and people took pictures of us. Some of those actually wound up posted on a hip-hop website and got featured in a magazine. All in all it was a very successful night. And day.

I have no idea what I was gonna write here. I had a purpose for writing about this day, however it slipped my mind in the meantime. My brain is playing tricks with me, and it's been happening more often lately. I get distracted so fast and lose the train of my thoughts it's starting to get on my nerve. And I have such brilliant ideas all the time, but as soon as I get to the computer to write them down, the moment, inspiration, everything is gone and usually for good. I still haven't finished writing the second part of my story and I feel really bad about it. It's hard work even when I'm not having a writers block, which I do have these days. I always have to rewrite everything ten times because I don't like how the sentence sounds. That's why I like having a blog. I write whatever pops into my mind and I move on. I don't care how the reader is gonna hear the sentence in his/ her mind. I just write post and never read it again. I just scan it from time to time to see what I was writing about before and that's it. No muss, no fuss. On the other hand, my stories are my babies. I give them my full undivided attention and they need a lot of care and polishing, so they can grow up and inspire people or just make them think.

Just another fairy tale without the happy end

Once upon a time there was a lovely little concert hall in which a concert was being held. The mesmerising sound of the guitar was filling the air and nobody was breathing. Even the Earth stood still for those 10 minutes so the magical music wouldn't be interrupted. One Girl, around the age of 19, was especially touched by it. The artist on stage, has won the first place at the festival and was now playing just for himself and his love of music. Without a care in the world, he was the world to the Girl. After the final tone, he slowly stood up and bowed gracefully. And that's when she noticed how handsome he was. He was tall, athletic, with unusual face features framed with perfect Prince Charming hair. Everything about him was in harmony, just like his music. Every move he made was sophisticated and classy and yet so effortless. He wasn't just bowing, he was caressing the air. He wasn't just walking, he was gliding across the floor. He didn't just leave the room, he disappeared and took the magic with him, leaving her with just a few sparkles in her mind.

The same night, the Girl and her sister went to the hotel where participants of the festival were having their going away party. They met people from all around world, all very friendly and with a shared love for the classical guitar. As the Girl was politely trying to get out of a chit-chat that was becoming very inappropriate by the second, the mysterious guitar player appeared. He came just in time to give her an excuse to end her uncomfortable conversation. It never even crossed her mind he was gonna be there.

He introduced himself as Guy and with just these few words he got under her skin. His velvety voice was spiced with a heavenly British accent she adored. For the next hour or so it was like nobody else existed but them. He showed her the pictures of his hometown. Village, actually. It was a picture perfect English village with bright green grass and wonderful clusters of flowers everywhere. The Girl was amazed by the pictures and him and failed to notice another girl had joined them, until she started calling Guy to come with her. She totally ignored the Girl, and was whining that she wants to go and that she needs him to go with her. Like a gentleman he is, Guy told her to go first and that he'll be there in a minute or two, so he could finish his conversation. He said that he was very happy to have met her and expressed his apologies for leaving her like that. He excused himself and went after the not-so-happy girl. Since it was his last day there it was their goodbye.

A year passed by, during which the two of them found each other on a social network, but didn't actually stay in touch. The Girl would once in a while check what he's been up to, but that was it. The time came for the festival to be held again. She found out that he was coming (this time as a jury) and she was very excited to see him again. She wasn't sure how and where to find him, so she met with some other guys she met the year before, hoping he would be there. It was a cocktail party of some sort and there were a lot of people there, but he wasn't one of them. She decided to make the most of it, just have fun and enjoy her night.

Two hours later the Guy was there. He was at the bar talking to one of the guys she was with, looking more beautiful than ever in a lovely tight green sweater. The Girl had no way of knowing whether he would remember her, so her heart was racing like crazy. She never felt so frightened and yet so happy at the same time. As she approached them, he looked at her, into her eyes and his face lit up in a second. He knew who she was and he was truly glad to see her again. And in a moment or two it was just the two of them again. He was her Prince Charming, looking like one and acting like one. They were talking about England again and he expressed his desire to visit some other places in her country. They arranged to have an excursion a few days later after the festival and spend the whole day together. He excused himself after saying he was very tired and turned to everyone to say good night. They had a group of people around them listening to their every word and just standing there waiting for their presence to be acknowledged. They seemed relieved after the two of them stopped talking and he went away.

The next day the competition was being held and the Girl was there. She was a bit late but that gave her the chance to see who was there. Once again, she had hoped he would be there and once again she failed to find him. None the less, she enjoyed the music very much. She was absorbed by it, feeling every tone, every little pause. She was in her own little world as she turned her head just a little to the side just to lock eyes with the Guy. She had no idea where he came from but he was there, a few chairs from her. She was shocked and she just turned back around, trying to concentrate on the sound of a guitar. She managed to get herself together and was once more lost in her thoughts listening to the competitors playing. Suddenly she saw Guy two rows in front of her, as he was heading towards the exit. At the last moment he turned his head in her direction and their eyes locked once more.

After the competition, they found each other outside and talked a bit about their opinions on who was the best and such. Then he asked what was she gonna do next. And that's when the confusion started. The Girl was very hungry at that moment and she said she was gonna go eat. His next question was Where, which she thought was strange because she meant to go home and have lunch. She answered she didn't know yet, as she was confused. Guy asked about some coffee shops there because he wanted to get some coffee and she started talking gibberish. Then he left, leaving her to get some food so she wouldn't starve to death. However, the other guys talked her into coming to the hotel and eating there with them. When they got there, Guy was there as well, confused to see her there. He didn't say a word and just continued to his room.

The next few days they kept missing each other. The Girl was looking for him but he was nowhere to be found, and Guy was looking for her and she wasn't there. Finally the day of their excursion has come, but they haven't made any arrangements. They didn't have each others phone numbers, so the Girl sent him a message via the social network. She got an answer 5, 6 hours later, when she already realized nothing was gonna happen. And yet she had hoped she was wrong. He explained that he had to fly back to London two days earlier and that he was trying to find her many times but was unsuccessful. He also mentioned he might visit in 6 months again. The Girl was crushed when she read the message. Not only they weren't gonna spend the day together, but he was already back home without saying good bye.

The Girl is actually me. And Guy really do exist (his name isn't Guy, it's just for the purpose of this blog). All of this happened to me, and it all started a year ago. A month has passed by since he left, and I'm still full of grief. We never got the chance to talk much or spend some time together, but he got me all hooked up on him. I feel so crazy, irrationally attracted to him. I wanna jump on him and do things to him, with him. I want him to just be there besides me and do nothing. I want him to stare at me once more with his piercing eyes. I have never felt such intense feelings for a person I barely know. I actually wanted to sit on plane and go to London right away so I can say bye at least. He made me wanna write again, and after a year or so, I did. I wrote a story about an artist who changed one girls life.

Forbidden (part one)

  This is a story of mine, I wrote couple of years ago. I wrote it in Serbian, so I had to translate it in English and I hope I did okay. The story is completely fictional. Enjoy!

"I never met my dad. However, there was I, sitting in a waiting room outside his office on the last floor of a very high skyscraper located at the city center. His secretary was a blond girl my age with a great body, but not very beautiful. I wondered whether my father gave her a job because he wanted to bang her or because he was doing it already. I didn't want to think about that at the moment and tried to focus. I came there for a different, much more important reason - my wedding. "You may come in" said his secretary and continued surfing the net. Holly crap his office was huge. I thought it to be smaller than that, him being junior partner in that big international firm. I sat across his desk and continued waiting. Few moments later, door opened behind me and I heard female voice asking: "Would you like something to drink?" I turned around to answer and saw a tall, athletic man, too hot to be forty. His face lit up: "I can't believe you're really here. Wow, look how much you've grown!" I smiled. "I hope I'm not interrupting your plans. I just decided to drop by." "No, you're not interrupting anything. I just wasn't expecting you." I explained I was getting married and wanted to invite him to the wedding. Even though we never met, he was sending me money whenever necessary. "You're already getting married?! You just turned 20!"

He and mom never actually got married, but when they got together they were around my age. They both think all of that was a horrible mistake. He left so that mom could find somebody else, someone who could actually be my dad and take care of us both. He kept sending me money even when mom found John. "I'm happy with Philip. I trust him and I feel safe with him." "Where is love in there?", he asked me when we sat in the corner of  a restaurant he eats at every day. It took us five minutes to get there with his brand new Lexus. If nothing else, he has a great taste in cars. "Love? Oh, he really does love me. I'm sure I couldn't have found a better man." He never asked me anything else about the wedding, nor Philip and me.

Three hours later, I was at home and I couldn't believe how the time flew by. Philip already came home from work. While he was eating, I told him how it went with Daniel. It reminded me to put him on the guest list, but I realized I don't know whether he's coming alone or with someone. I haven't seen a ring on his hand, but as far as I was concerned he could be gay. I decided to call him and arrange to meet. We wanted to meet a couple of times before the wedding, so we could catch up. This time we went to his favorite restaurant. "Ha ha ha! You're amazing!", he couldn't stop smiling. And his smile was enchanting! I had to remind myself that he's my father and that I'm getting married in less than a month. The fact that he's coming to the wedding alone didn't help.

I couldn't sleep all night. Philip wanted sex but I wasn't up for it, which wasn't like me. Tomorrow morning, I sent him off to work. I called the florist, and just as somebody picked up the phone, I heard a car horn and looked out the window. There was Daniel, leaning on his Lexus calling me to come downstairs. He took me to his yacht, which he named after me. It was incredible on the water. We talked for hours. He even taught me how to drive the yacht. We were lying in the sun as it was setting.

 Then he asked me whether I love Philip. His question made me come back to reality. We just sat in silence for a while. Then I said that I'm not sure and that I care about him. "Don't marry him. I don't want you to do that just because you feel like you owe him something. I want you to be happy." I don't know what came over me, but I started yelling at him: "Who are you to tell me that?! My whole life you weren't around, and now you're telling me what to do and how to be happy!" I was so mad and wanted to yell some more, but he got closer to me and put his lips on mine. He smelled so good and his lips were soft and before I realized what was happening we were widely and uncontrollably kissing each other. "Stop. This is wrong. You're my daughter. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'll drive you home." "No, you're not. I want this. I'm happy now." I leaned closer to him and looked him in his eyes. I felt his breath on my lips. He kissed me again, and I knew we crossed the line and we couldn't go back. I knew nothing would ever be the same.

I'll always remember the first time his strong hands touched my skin. His fingers were slowly going across my body, feather-like caressing my hands, my back, my legs exploring under my dress. We went below deck in the bedroom. I'll always remember the first time he put his thick cock inside me. He put his head inside me and god I could have cummed right then, it spread me so wide and my pussy gripped it so hard. He slowly put more of it inside me until no more would fit and it started to hurt a little. He thrust in and out, again and again. He pulled out abruptly and propped me up on the edge of the bed and started coming at me from the front. He was such a man...so big and muscular all around, I thought that no guy in the world could be so sexually powerful. He put it inside me again and I almost came. It looked so nice as it went deeper and deeper inside of me and made so much noise from the friction. He started to rub my clit with his hand while he thrusted harder and faster inside me. He made me feel things I'd never felt before. I felt so good it was almost scary. I'd never felt such a high.

It was so late when I got home. I couldn't think clearly about anything. I didn't bother explaining anything to Philip. I said I didn't call because my phone broke and I needed a new one. He asked nothing else. I felt so guilty and sorry and angry at myself. My feelings were mixed and I was confused. I immediately went to bed and passed out. Tomorrow I spent preparing everything for the wedding, trying to keep myself busy and sorting things out in my head. On Monday, I called Daniel and told him I wanted to talk. I wanted to hear his thoughts about all this. He picked me up and we went to his place. We didn't get the chance to talk much. This time everything was more gently and tender, but just as mind blowing as before. He said he wanted to let me think about everything and he didn't want to pressure me in any way. He added that if I decide to stay with Philip, he wouldn't be able to come to the wedding, or see me ever again.

I came home and Philip was there. He wanted to surprise me and he took a week off just to be with me and help with the wedding preparations. He didn't ask where I was, so I assumed he thought I was on a dress rehearsal or something like that. We spent the whole week together. We were busy, but my thoughts would often wander to Daniel. I missed being with him so much. On Sunday, while I was having sex with Philip I whispered Daniel's name. Philip froze. Apparently, this wasn't the first time I said his name. I was talking in my sleep a few times before. Then he just stood up, took his clothes and walked out. I couldn't make myself go after him. I couldn't make myself look him in the eyes.

In the morning, before work, he came to me and said he would leave if it makes me happy. And if I want him to stay, he will, but only if I never see Daniel or speak of him again. He said he loves me and he will do anything to make me happy. I ran in the bathroom and started crying uncontrollably. I was so confused and sorry about everything. I knew what I needed to do, but I just couldn't. I love Daniel and I always will. I could have walked away if he didn't want me, but with his desire for me and me wanting him so badly it's terrible. I was torn apart. I couldn't do what needed to be done. How could I let this happen? Now when I was supposed to get married.

Philip was at work, so I called Daniel over. I was hoping I would be able to explain everything and tell him I'm disappearing from his life. When he came and saw me all tearful, suffering and pain spread through his face. He hugged me and started comforting me and I couldn't say a word. He was full of understanding and quietly said I was never gonna see him again. As those words came out his mouth I felt like part of me was ripped out. I was in physical pain. Everything hurt. I hugged him strongly and wouldn't let go. I told him: "Don't you dare leave me! I forbid you to leave!" He was surprised with my decision, but he was relieved:" Don't worry. I'm there. I'll never leave you again." With these words I managed to calm down and I fell asleep in his arms.

I woke up in my bed. Daniel already left and Philip was there. I gathered my strength and told him I can't leave Daniel and that I don't wanna torture him anymore. "If you want to leave, you can and I would understand. I really want you to be happy." He was desperate. He wasn't expecting that at all. "I love you. I can't just go away never to return. I knew you didn't love me like I did, but I was hoping there was a chance, that in time perhaps that would change..." His voice broke. "You will find a beautiful girl some day. Better than me. Someone who deserves you and who will love you with all her heart." He kissed me for the last time and went away. I never saw him again."

Can't run away

Yesterday my sister and I went out with Jerk and Mr. Nice (I wrote something about it before). Jerk and I wanted to get the other two together, give them an excuse to see each other, so they can hook up. Everybody knows that my sister has a crush on him, even he knows it. So I ended up with my ex trying to help Mr. Nice to make a move on Marija. It was really weird. Jerk has been in a happy relationship 6 months so far and they're making plans to go on vacation together. And I have a bogus boyfriend for a couple of weeks now. (I hooked up with an amazing guy and he wanted to be with me, but I'm the one that's always texting him and calling him and he never mentions that he wants to see me but sends me hugs and kisses, and now he is visiting his parents in another town so I'm not entirely sure whether I have a boyfriend or not, but if I run into someone better I'm going for it.)

Anyways, I started remembering why liked Jerk in the first place and why I ended up with him. I had to focus really hard so I wouldn't say or do something wrong. I realized I miss being with him. I just wanted for him to say: "You know what? Screw my girlfriend, let's try again." I knew this was never gonna happen. Not when he's committed. I also know that getting back together with him is completely wrong and not good for me at all. I'm hoping I'll find somebody to want and love soon. I can't keep doing this much longer. I had to agree to go watch an old french movie with him, Breathless I think it's called. Just the two of us. That's gonna be interesting. I never went to the movies with a guy before, not even with a guy friend, let alone on a date.  It's gonna hurt like hell, being with him alone like that. However I can pull it off, I'm strong enough. I have to be.

Results!

I finally got the results, after two weeks of waiting. It felt like forever, but at the same time didn't want to know and it passed so quickly. Anyways, I'm extremely happy the waiting is over and I passed. I got 7.5 out of 9 which isn't that bad. I got maximum points in reading and listening, but did horrible in writing and got 6.

Now I need to pick up the results on Monday and send them to Australia. I can't believe that it's really happening. I really am going to Melbourne. The worst thing now is packing. I need to start preparing myself immediately. I can't imagine worse thing than having to decide which things to leave behind and which to take.

In a few months I will be on a plane, not knowing what to expect. It's going to be my first time on a plane. I wonder how that's gonna work out. All in all, I'm going on an adventure and probably never coming back. (I'm freaking out a little bit.) Aussies look out Liksi is coming!