This summer I did an awful thing. I don't even where to begin. Hmmm...
My sister went to USA and she met a guy (M in the future reference) 9 years older than she (he's 8 years older than me) and they hang out a lot. They became very good friends. It was kinda her thing. She came back and she have missed him pretty much, but she said they're only friends and that's everything they'll ever be. But she was also telling me how great he is.
Anyway, he came here, in Belgrade, Serbia. She was so exited that she's gonna see him again. But she said to me that I'm never gonna meet him because we all know what will happen and what I'm like around men and how they respond to me. One day they went out and she and her friend were showing him the city, and I ran into them. I was hanging out with a friend of mine and I introduced myself and her and left them to do whatever they were doing. And that's when everything started. He said to my sister that I look really hot. And I think she handled it pretty well. Of course, I can't be sure. I thought he was cute and I liked the moment when he smiled like he's the happiest guy on planet, his face was just radiating positivity. Later I found out that that's just the way he smiles.
The next day, the whole group of Americans that came here was exploring the city, and I ran into them again (I really didn't know where they were going to be). I joined them and started talking to a really nice girl whose name I didn't even understand. I was happy because I got a chance to practice my English. Eventually they had to go to their hotel but M and few of us guys stayed. We went for a beer and it was OK. I didn't talk to M because my sister asked me not to. I tried to keep my distance. But we did talk a bit later. I think he started talking to me, asked me something or something like that. We didn't talk much but it was enough. He succeeded in making me feel stupid and insecure and that's not a thing that happens to me often. But in the end he told my sister that I should go everywhere with them. She didn't like that.
Few days later we went dancing in a club. I went there with them because some friend of ours were going there too. My sister and me, we're so hot when we dance and we dance so good, everybody watches us. M danced also which was great because usually not many guys dance. He asked me a few questions and I've answered them with as little words as I could manage, mostly with yes or no. They were giving free horns at the entrance, and he said that they look good on me. He danced with me a little (he danced with everybody) and I tried not to be too close to him. Later there was male and female striptease and some girls climbed to the male stripper and danced with him. Well, it was more like an orgy than dancing but whatever. M was standing very close behind me and he put his hands on my hips. He whispered into my ear asking me why I don't join them. I said something like - not today. At one point I left my sister and him, and went dancing with my friends who were with us. I hoped my sister was gonna do something and use that free-of-competition-time, but I don't think she did.
When we got bored or tired or whatever, we went to the beach, sat down and just hang out. We were making fun of each other most of the time. At one moment I said to M that my sister told me not to talk to him. He told me that I'm mean and I defended myself by telling him that I'm not that mean because I wasn't talking to him the whole night up to that few minutes. My sister had that I'm-gonna-kill-you look on her face for a few seconds but it passed quickly. Later I asked him what does he want for his birthday, if he could have anything and he didn't want to say. He just said that it wasn't appropriate. At the end of our night out (it was early in the morning) he asked if I'm gonna go out with them the next night. I told him I had some plans of my own, which I did but some friends of mine changed their minds so I was pretty much free. I didn't meet with them and my sister told me later that he wasn't there anyway.
The next day he went to Uzice, and we followed few days later. It was his birthday. During those few days I had some time to think about everything and I was torn apart. On the one hand I had my sister and on the other I had a guy that I really wanted to be with, make out with, sleep with. I tried to reason myself. I thought it was just because he was forbidden fruit and because he was not from Serbia, maybe even because he might be a challenge (which he was not at all, because later he confessed that he wanted me from the day we met). I also thought it might be just my teenage hormones. My mind was saying - don't do anything stupid, but my heart was already picturing him naked all the time. Those few days weren't good for me.
So back to his birthday. We went there in the morning and took a room in a hotel, left our stuff, changed our clothes and went to meet with him. We joined some other Americans and Serbs in a pub and hang out. At one moment everybody wanted to buy him something for his birthday and they sent me and M outside so they could arrange everything. We were behaving really nice there. We talked mostly about school and about our plans for that day. I was trying not to ask him anything I wouldn't ask some random girl on a street. Later the three of us went for a walk. It was very nice and I really enjoyed it. We talked about everything, but my sister wasn't talking that much, I think.
Eventually we went to a house he was staying at, and prepared a little garden party for him with about 15 guests. I knew only my sister, M and one other guy. I tried not to be the center of attention and ended up sitting in a corner eating vegetarian pizza and cake. I wasn't bored though. I enjoyed watching everybody (judging them inside my head), like in a movie or something. When it got dark and when mosquitoes started attacking us, we went back in the house. They gave him the present, which I won't comment on, and decided to watch a Serbian movie with English subtitle. When we started watching it, I was sitting next M with two girls on his other side on a sofa that was meant for three people. During the movie he was touching my hair and my hand, my back and I wanted so badly to jump on him and kiss him and touch him and do all kinds of stuff with him. The worst thing was, that there was a free, empty room with a big bed in it and we couldn't go there because everyone would notice and my sister was there.
The morning after, we went back to Belgrade. A week passed, they came to Belgrade again, and then was their last night in Serbia. The whole group from USA was together and some of us from Belgrade. We bought some beers and went to the fortress to hang out. I started talking with a cool black guy I met that evening and M joined us. Soon I was out of beer and M offered to go with me to buy some more. When we came back I wanted to show him the view there. We talked about a lot of stuff, about his job, college, war that was going on when I was little and stuff like that. My sister interrupted us to tell me that we should text our mother so that she can stop worrying. As soon as she left, he said to me that he wants me really badly. I was like, why did you have to say that. It made things a lot more complicated. We took a walk just so that nobody could see us. And we kissed. It was great. We were making out and he was biting my lip, telling me how sexy I am and how I have beautiful lips and how he would like to have me. The worst thing was that I wanted that too. Then my sister called to see where we are and to say that we're going back to hotel. We kissed once more and started heading back. She was with us along the way. We got to a hotel and the two of us went to the bathroom and we made out some more even though we both wanted something more. When we got back somebody asked us what took us so long. I said I had to adjust my skirt and hair and everything. Then it was time to say goodbye. We hugged each other and I didn't wanna let go. But I had to and I did.
When we were in a cab going home, two girls, my sister and I, a girl asked me if I had anything with M. I Asked her why does she think that, and she said because the two of us were together all the time and because we just disappeared a few times and because some guy saw us making out. I said that it didn't happen. It was dark and he must have seen somebody else. I don't know if my sister bought that, but if she didn't believe me she never told me that...
The day after that night was awful for me. I thought about the fact that I'm never gonna see him again, let alone sleep with him. I couldn't talk with anyone about all that because my sister was there the whole day. I felt bad because it was the last night she was gonna see him too and I had to steal that time from her. I thought about that night we had an opportunity to spend some time alone in his room and in his bed. And I thought about our kisses, and his hands in my hair and on my skin.
Sometimes I do that even now, after all this time that passed. But I don't regret any of it. If I hadn't done what I did I would spend my entire life wondering what if.
